Photography used to be my entire life.
I ran a portrait business, I spent all my free time reading tutorials and shooting artistic work. I spent countless hours showing my work online, designing my website, entering contests, and reaching out to publishers of magazines.
My camera was my best friend and Photoshop was my drug.
Then something changed. I had been published in art magazines. I won an international contest and went all the way to New York to see my photo in a gallery among other beautiful works of art. I was booked solid for a whole year of portraits. I was getting big numbers of views and favorites on Flickr. Everything was falling into place exactly the way I wanted it and yet, I wasn’t happy. I was stressed, I was insecure and I was going crazy. I was pushing myself to compete with others for recognition, but when I acquired it, it didn’t boost me up or make me feel better. It all felt empty.
Eventually I quit the business and I stopped competing. I started photographing my life in a more simplistic manner. I started my personal blog as a quiet, peaceful, anonymous place to share my work and for the most part I walked away from creative portraiture. Photography really was my life and I had no other hobbies outside of it. So I changed that. I learned to sew, knit, crochet, paint, and juggle. I joined clubs and started volunteering. I started flying and I realized that I desperately want to be a pilot. I found other avenues to happiness….and I think that is part of the problem.
When it comes to photography now, I feel a little lost. It’s like there are two people fighting inside of me. There is the photographer that worked hard and built up a name (albeit a small one) and then there is the happy young woman who has created a life outside of the camera. I am so torn between the two. Part of me wants to jump back into creative work and find my voice again, but every time I try I feel as though I’ve lost my edge and I’ve fallen behind. Then there is the other side of me which says, “who cares?” because I have found a fulfilling life without the stress, the emotional turmoil, and the constant judgement of being an artist.
I really do enjoy my life now. I am happier than I ever have been and I enjoy my photography even though it is not what it used to be. I have hope that in time I will find a way to balance these two voices inside of me, but perhaps right now I am meant to be doing other things. As I look back on my older work, I struggle to not feel as though something is missing from my life, but as I look forward and to the present, I realize just how many wonderful new things I’ve gained by stepping away from who I thought I had to be.
Jenny the Time Traveling Pirate
You truly are a magician. These are stunning.
Do what feels good, do what feels good, do what feels good.
I think so very many of us can resonate with all that you are saying her. Thanks for showing up and allowing us to see you.
Great article Jenny … although I want to spin that last sentence … “I enjoy my photography (even though it is not what it used to be.)”
I hope its NOT”what it used to be” because that would mean you have not grown as an artist. Whose to say your shooting style now is not better than your former self. Think of all the richness you are incorporating within your photos now. I like it.
i love this post Jenny. There are so many times that we think that one thing is what we want, what we need and then we have to ask ourselves, “who told me that’s the way it should be?” You seem to be listening to a deeper voice inside of you now instead of the surface voices that so many of us get caught up on. By shooting for yourself, your work is getting deeper, richer and more exciting. Thanks for sharing this story! xo
I cannot even begin to say how much this resonates…
You are still new to me. Yet I like you very much. So much. I learn from you. Sometimes I wish for all the things you earned and have achieved yet I’m so simple I know I would crack under all the pressure. The best compliment I received recently was from a really good and professional photographer friend who I was on a trip with. She looked at one of my blog posts and said “you shoot for YOU” and then she said “I miss shooting for ME” And I needed to read your words today. because still I have a little desire in the corner of my heart to succeed in a big way…to feel important but I need to realize, I already am important exactly where I’m at and if I keep just shooting for me, that’s what will fill me. You have shown me proof of this.
Yeah. Basically, what Kirstin said…
I wrote the following a few months ago:
Just this past weekend, someone asked me what the “end goal” of my photography is. I replied that I didn’t know. I’m often plagued by the thought that I’m not doing enough with my photography – not advertising myself enough, not selling enough (well, at all), etc. I look around and feel less-than because I don’t have an “end goal.” But sometimes, when the fog clears, I realize that simply creating is beautiful and I’m blessed to be a small part of it. The joy I get from seeing something new and beautiful in the ordinary, and being able to capture it with my lens is “end goal” enough.
Oh and these 2 photographs are just so lovely!!
Oh, how I needed to hear these words. Thank you!
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